We’ve been told – especially if you are a woman - that we can have it all. A healthy family, a successful career, a set of wonderful friendships, a size 6 figure and a fantastic spiritual life – they are all in our grasp. Or at least that is what the billion-dollar self-help industry keeps telling me. That is what all my favorite gurus tell me. Hell, it’s even in the print campaign for my dry cleaner. (Ok, this last one isn’t entirely true but by only charging me $1.99 per garment they are telling me I can have clean cashmere and still have money left over to buy lunch. So there.)
But what I’ve suddenly realized is that everyone is wrong. We all have to make choices and at the end of the day we’re going to drop some balls. And that is, repeat after me, okay.
How do I know this? Let me count the ways:
- It is September 1st. My last blog entry was July 21th. When I didn’t have a job, I could find time to sit in cafes and think about life. I could write about anything I wanted and do anything I wanted. Then I got a job. I’m now too tired to think about what’s for dinner, let alone think about the larger life issues.
- 12 things … not so much. I haven’t done too badly on this pledge I made to myself to only buy 12 wardrobe items this year (it’s the 9th month and I’m on item 11) but I will buy more than 12. Honestly, I wanted to feel pretty and buying 3 new dresses from Anthropologie was simply easier than any other option. I know I'm going to feel this again, and soon, this need to find some solace in boots or cashmere or silk. It doesn’t add anything to the waistline and it is actually cheaper than therapy.
- Dating at 41. Seriously, this might be the worst. I’m 41. I spent my 30s getting into or out of three long-term relationships. I’m emotionally stable, a red head and I’ve got a great rack (or so people tell me). Yet, according to the magical, mystical dating gods at the online services I’m about as eligible as, well, not so much. My last two dates have been with a guy who brought another girl into it (not what you think, get your mind out of the gutter) and a man with constant flatulence. (The last one is a long story and it will make you laugh, very hard.) So now what? Wait for the gods to send me someone other than a computer programmer from Lorton who considers 80s-era Tom Selleck his fashion icon? God, I hope not.
- Living in the dark. One thing I didn’t accomplish during my 8 month sabbatical was getting my light fixtures replaced. That, fixing my running toilet, and installing new screens on my doors have been on the to do list for over year. But I didn’t get to them while I didn’t have a job and so every night I come home to a dark hall way and a lamp in the living room that turns on and off at will (maybe signaling I need help).
- Calling my mother. I can actually broaden this to my larger community and family. I want to be present in people's lives. I want to ask meaningful questions, connect on a personal level, be a better listener. Instead, I find myself trying to cram too much in. (Did I mention I was running late to something?) This leaves everyone frustrated, especially me. Ultimately, I end up disappointing the very people I care the most for because I'm trying to do it.
Okay, so I’ve determined that balance is BS but now what? It can’t all be about the job and how much it sucks to work this hard. I actually love my job. I love the work that my clients do and I love the fact that they ask for my help to achieve amazing things. I have succeeded in making change possible a part of my life. So as far as job's go, this is a good one and I'm happy.
No, it is, I've decided, just a fundamentally flawed premise to try and do it all AND succeed. In order to have real balance we actually have to let go of something. Try not to be perfect. This is what they tell you in Yoga classes when you move into balance poses; just focus on one thing (your breathing) and let the rest go. It is one of the principal teachings in Zen Buddism. Back around 500 B.C. Lao Tzu wrote:
So sometimes things are ahead and sometimes they are behind;
Sometimes breathing is hard, sometimes it comes easily;
Sometimes there is strength and sometimes weakness;
Sometimes one is up and sometimes down.
Therefore the sage avoids extremes, excesses, and complacency.
For me, this means that it isn't actually about FINDING balance, it is about accepting that sometimes your life will be out of balance. And that unbalanced life is just fine, for me, for now. (Though I really do need to find a plumber and electrician; anyone?)
