Consume less. Save some. Give more.

Consume less. Save some. Give more. This is my mantra for 2010. My very own happiness project.

• Consume less. The basic rules are out for this in my 12 Things post. Pretty straightforward- buy less stuff.

• Save some. This, too, is pretty simple. I'm a 40 year old, single woman. I need to save more. I don't have a spouse, partner or live-in-boyfriend to share expenses with; I don't have any kids that will grow up to take care of me; I am pretty much on my own. So limiting what I spend and saving money is just common sense. That said, this is the first time in my life that I've actually paid any attention to this advice; so, we'll see how we go.

• Give more. This is the hard one. Not only do I mean "donating" when I use give but I also want to give more of myself this coming year, and the years ahead. Dedicate more time to my friendships, my family. Give more of myself to work that is meaningful, making an impact. This is the one that is a true recalibration of life; this is the one that will force me to look not only at myself but at the world I've built around me. And, hopefully, lead me to the next stage, the next adventure.

As hard as this feels at the moment (oh, the pleasure I took in ordering one last item online), I know that it possible to kick-start one's life at 20, 30, 40 or, even 80. A few years ago, I met an amazing woman who didn't go back to finish her undergraduate degree until all of her children were adults. She was over 40, got her BA, then a Masters, then a law degree, and, until she retired a few years ago, was the Chancellor of a major university. Talk about second acts!

The same is true of one of my favorite poets, Marie Ponsot. She published her first book of poetry in the 1950s but then did not publish again for 30 years and only starting winning awards in the late 1990s (including a National Book Award).

Each time I learn about women like this (and men, too), I realize that second and third acts in life aren't impossible. You only need the courage to try something different, challenge oneself. It won't be easy but it certainly won't be boring.

12 Things (an experiment in living)

Do you have a hobby? It's a simple question. And it was asked by a casual acquaintance, in the most innocent tone, as just a way for her to get to know me a little better. But it is this seemingly easy question that has spawned a serious bout of introspection and has left me grappling with both my own opinion of myself and the way others perceive me.

Do you have a hobby? I stammered through an answer that essentially consisted of, "well, I don't really have the time, I'm always working, I was never really good at anything, I don't know, what's your hobby." As she launched into explaining a new technique she was learning for watercolors, I kept thinking about what she was asking me and what it said about me that I didn't have one. When I relayed the conversation a few days later, at lunch with one of my best friends, he said, "Well, maybe your hobby is being a consumer? You love to shop. And you're good at it."

Slightly stunned by this comment, I tried to laugh it off. But as I asked more and more people about both exchanges, it became clear to me that one of my defining characteristics is my knack for shopping. One friend said to me, "It's just who you are. Cool bag. Cool shoes. Jewelry with a story. I know you're always going to know where to find something or what to wear."

I know I should take this as a compliment. And it is a big one. While I will never make DC's Ten Best Dressed List, I have carved out a niche among my friends for being the slightly daring one. Target dress, Prada shoes, grandmother's jewelry. Or LA consignment store t-shirt, outlet leather pants, sweater from Paris. And I do love to shop.

I love a day spent walking around New York City or San Francisco or DC with my best girl friends looking at (and buying) lovely things. I treasure memories of Christmas Eve shopping at the outdoor outlet malls in Florida with my family, everyone spread out to buy for our Secret Santas and then reconvening for an ice cream before heading back home. The hustle and bustle of a bazaar in Fez, Istanbul or the Parisian flea markets are reminders of a time when there wasn't a Starbucks on every corner or a GAP for every size or gender. Each outfit I build is a series of memories and moments.

But is that all I am? There is more to me than just the stuff in my closet. Yet, somehow, I'm not quite sure that people, even my closet friends, can sometimes see past it. For the record, the person I am isn't a bad person. I have a successful career, I own my own home, I have a life filled with friends and family. I volunteer, contribute money to charity and serve on the board of one of the best non-profits in the country. There is nothing wrong with my life but there is something missing. And I'm even confused about how much being a talented consumer can make up for other things I don't have in my life, things that can't be bought.

Over the last couple of weeks, I have thought about this, a lot, since I returned from Paris. Combined with the other conversations going on in my head about life, love, career, etc., this idea that somehow shopping has become a crutch has really taken hold. But what does all this mean?

Where am I going with all of this? At 40 years old, it's pretty hard to change who I am.

So I've decided, given the tradition of New Year's resolutions, to make a pretty big one. I'm going to curb my shopping habit and take the time, energy and money that I dedicate to it each year and refocus it all on something else. Instead of shopping, I'm going to spend the year looking at ways to improve my life. To rebuild friendships. To explore the relationship that we all have with shopping and how it can be used to temporary fill life's holes.

If there was any doubt in my mind about this idea, I pushed it aside after floating it with my family and some close friends. Without exception, my ability to do this was met with such skepticism that it was (unintentionally) hurtful. My aunt had the most reasoned opinion. While she too was skeptical that it would work, she at least appreciated the idea that maybe the shopping persona was getting in the way of people seeing the "real" me. But pretty much everyone else laughed and the conservations almost immediately turned to the rules, the exceptions, and side bets on how long this whole thing (this "folly" as one person said) will last.

Again, it's a little hurtful that people don't think I can do this but in answering all those questions I have figured out how this will work.

• What's Out. New "stuff". This is a probably defined category but I can tell you that it includes clothes, shoes, accessories, jewelry, linens, appliances, electronics, furniture, car accessories, etc. I have 52 pairs of shoes, more handbags than I care to admit, a dress for nearly everyday of the month, a television, a stereo, two cheese graters, an ice cream maker, lamps, sofa, chairs, and so much more. I may "want" more stuff -especially on days when I'm feeling down or caught up in the "keeping-up-shopping" with friends or even when I'm just board- but I definitely don't "need" anything else.

• What's In. I know myself well enough to know that I can't give up books or cds or iTunes. Words and music are an even bigger part of who I am than my 5-year old Marc Jacobs Stella bag. And while they may be "stuff" books and cds are in. So is moisturizer, toothpaste, conditioner, cosmetics, an if-needed new pair of tights or other things to keep me clean and well groomed. Food is also in, including restaurants and coffee shops. This isn't an experiment in ecoliving or being the no impact (wo)man. It is more a meditation on exactly what we need to help make us feel whole. I'm sure these "exemptions" will ruffle some feathers but ...

• Safety valve. I'm not an idiot; I may, over the course of 365 days need an escape. I may find myself in a foreign country and want something to remind me of the trip. I may end up an estate sale or fantastic flea market or even on a business trip where I need a sweater because the temperature unexpectedly went from 85 to 45. I'm allowed, but don't have to buy, twelve "things" over the next year- but only 12 - from the What's Out category.

• The donation. When I took a look at my end-of-year-statement from AMEX for 2007, 2008 and 2009, I realized just how much my "hobby" has cost me over the years and it was shocking. I felt like Carrie Bradshaw in that episode of Sex and City where she tries to get a mortgage and realizes her shoe collection totals what she needs for a down payment on the condo. So I'm going to take the money I "save" (the average of what I have spent over the last three years) and sock half away in my savings account and give the other half to charity (specifically RAINN). Both donations will be considerable, trust me.

• The blog. To keep myself honest, and because I was looking for something to do with this space post-Paris, I'm going to keep blogging here at Table 81 about the search for happiness, fulfillment and a "new" life. Moving forward my posts will focus on this experiment and what it means to me (and maybe others).

So there it is. It's pretty simple, in theory. I'm sure it will be harder than I think. I am so conditioned to just buying what I want, when I want it, that I'm sure there will be moments where I have to put something down and walk away from the register. I'm sure there will be funny moments and, probably, some sad stories. But I'm sure it will be worth it, on so many levels.

When preparing for re-entry ...

How much should you reduce your velocity by so that you don't either bounce or burn up?

I came across this question on a site for gamers (which is probably the subject of a whole other set of posts) but it seemed to perfectly sum up my thought process at this moment, two solid weeks after coming back from Paris and as the holidays kick in. How best to figure out what is next in life? In work? In love? And how to do it all without completely burning out. After all there are only so many discussions I can have about my future before even I will get sick of listening to me.

It may come across as ungrateful to whine about too many coffees or lunches or parties or dinners. After all, I'm incredibly blessed to have friends and family that are supportive of this journey. I'm also smart enough to have planned well enough that I can choose my next job carefully. So why the angst?

Part of it has to do with being back in DC. This town has been my home for over 15 years. My friends are here, my professional networks, and, as a political junkie, it is THE place to live. There is no other place - except maybe Hollywood - where people are so defined by what they do, their politics, and their passions. It is exactly those qualities that make it such a special place.

It is also why it is a living hell to be in when unemployed, underemployed, or on a sabbatical. The first question anyone (and I do mean anyone) asks is, what do you do? A slight variation, in my case, is what are you doing now? Without a social acceptable answer to that question one quickly discovers they are irrelevant. People turn to others at the table and start talking to them. One person simply walked away from me at a party when I said I had left my job in October and was taking six months off. Just looked at me funny and said, oh, I see a friend. Nice talking to you. It is easy to quickly feel out of place, unimportant.

What to do about it? I still haven't figured that one out yet.

• Flee to another country? Check. In January, I'm headed to Tulum for eight days.
• Avoid DC social scene? Mostly check. Since being back, I've restricted myself to hanging out with good friends. Many of these relationships were neglected over the last year as I traveled around and worked too much. With the exception of a few parties, I've avoided situations where I have to answer the dreaded question.
• Baking? Cooking? Check, check. I've hosted a brunch, made caramels, am hosting Christmas Eve dinner, and baking cookies for gifts.
• Reading? Journaling? Also, check. I have read 30 books (including everything I read in Paris, self-help books and travel guides), written a fair bit and am just starting the new Stephen King novel.

What's missing? Despite all of these fabulous things, I'm still a little lost. Still not quite sure how to answer THE question. How to become "relevant" again in city that is built on access, reputation and employment status. This will take more than one blog post, one self-help book, one silent retreat. It has now become part of the quest for happiness.

One easy thing to do, to help, has been to create a virtual inspiration board (i.e. lots of stickies and photos on my desktop) to help inspire me. Among the quotes I am finding helpful at the moment are:

"Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement. ~Foster C. McClellan

"One isn't necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can't be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest. ~Maya Angelou

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step."

~ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." ~Mark Twain

"Education is the power to think clearly, the power to act well in the world's work, and the power to appreciate life." ~Brigham Young

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in making new landscapes but in seeing existing landscapes with new eyes. "~Marcel Proust

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined. " ~Henry David Thoreau

"We grow great by dreams. All big men are dreamers. They see things in the soft haze of a spring day or in the red fire of a long winter's evening. Some of us let these great dreams die, but others nourish and protect them; nurse them through bad days till they bring them to the sunshine and light which comes always to those who sincerely hope that their dreams will come true." ~Woodrow Wilson

"Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born." ~Dr. Dale E. Turner

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. "~Eleanor Roosevelt

Just the Holiday Mix

Folks have asked for the links to songs or an easy way to buy them so I figured out a way to publish them to iTunes. Here is the link to the first batch of songs. I'll keep updating it as iTunes approves/releases the songs.

Joy & Peace (and the playlist)

Last Christmas, which I spent with my mom in Nice, I brought along a Christmas play list that clearly reflected my taste and not hers (or my aunt and uncle’s). The moaning heard at Fairytale of New York (The Pogues) and Pretty Paper (Roy Orbison) was loud and they all kept asking, “don’t you have anything more uplifting?”. I just laughed and ignored them. My iPod, my playlist.

Looking back, my holiday play list was probably a more accurate picture of mood than I thought. Last year was the first Christmas we celebrated without my Grandmother. And, as nice as the South of France is, it was just my mom, my aunt and uncle, and me. I may be an only child but Christmas to me has always meant a chaotic family visit similar to Home for the Holidays. I missed the noise, the drama, the love of all of my crazy family.

I was also very, very unhappy in my job. The internal politics were wearing on me; the responsibility of mentoring and guiding a young staff (that was under tremendous pressure) was exhausting; and while I was excited about a new relationship, I was worried about how we would make it (London-DC, 40 and 47, damaged and damaged)work.

The songs that soothed me, however, grated on our little group so I found some Celtic music, combined it with some Miles Davis, added the few poppy Christmas songs I had and created a new play list, a new mood. The grumbling stopped and we resumed an otherwise idyllic holiday with yummy dinners, Christmas Eve mass and long walks along the seawall.

This year, I’m feeling much more in the holiday spirit. Who wouldn’t? My mom, her new husband, and her aunt and uncle are all coming to DC. I’ve left my job and started a life-changing sabbatical. Did I mention the five and a half weeks in Paris? I’m also reconnecting with friends and trying to figure out how to rebuild relationships with my family and even my own relationship with myself.

This year, we are two families. One in DC (including several cousins, their kids and another aunt and uncle) and one in Florida (two brothers, more cousins) but I think we’re starting to figure out how to become one again. While my year-long relationship with M is over, it was a fabulous year (Chicago, Paris, Istanbul, DC, London) and has given me a confidence and certainty about what it is I want the next time around.

But I realized I needed help, a lot of help, to build a soundtrack that could help me capture my emerging personal peace, as well as the holiday spirit present in the friends and family (near and far) that will be here for Christmas. So I did what any tech-savvy gal does and turned to Facebook. Thirty-one responses later, along with a dozen or so side emails and a few phone calls, and I now have a list of more than 100 holidays songs to choose from today. I still haven’t figured out the exact order, or even which songs will make the final cut, but this has been so much fun.

I’ve learned so much about my friends tastes; I will treasure the memories that were shared, along with the songs, and the more I have listened to these songs, the more I have revisited my own memories of the holidays. The good cheer that led to people loaning me their memories is not something I’m going to ruin by ranking the songs or even commenting on them. I will simply say, thank you. Thanks to everyone who contributed to this list, feel free to pass it along, and here’s hoping that it does for you what it did for me.

Oh, what was that? Simply, joy and peace.

The List

A couple of notes: I have included multiple versions of the same song. People like different versions and the ones here are the ones people sent me. Ninety-nine percent of these are available for download either at Amazon, iTunes, YouTube, etc. The majority of these are Christmas songs though a few contemporary, holiday songs are here. There is only one Chanukah Song, it’s the only one I know. There is a list, at the end, of traditional French carols, just because. If there is something missing, feel free to post it on Facebook or shoot me an email. Enjoy!

• 2000 miles Pretenders
• A Fairytale of New York Pogues
• A Holly Jolly Christmas Burl Ives
• All I Want The Weepies
• All I Want For Christmas Is You Olivia Olson and/or Mariah Carey
• All We Need Is Love (Christmas In the Yard) The Big Yard Family & Shaggy
• And the Angels Cried Allison Krauss and Alan Jackson
• Another rock and roll christmas Gary Glitter
• Ave Maria Stevie Wonder
• Ave Maria Aretha Franklin
• Away In a Manger Mannheim Steamroller
• Away in the Manger Nat King Cole
• Blue Christmas Elvis Presley
• Children's Christmas Song The Supremes
• Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) U2
• Christmas Collage Kathy Mattea
• Christmas in Herald Square Tony Bennett
• Christmas In Hollis Run-DMC
• Christmas Is Coming Vince Guaraldi Trio
• Christmas Waltz Peggy Lee
• Christmas wrapping The Waitresses
• Christmastime Is Here (Instrumental) Vince Guaraldi Trio
• Christmastime Is Here (Vocal) Vince Guaraldi Trio
• December George Winston
• Deck the Halls Ottmar Liebert
• Deck the Halls R.E.M.
• Deck the Halls / Bring a Torch Smokey Robinson & The Miracles
• Deck the Halls Nat King Cole
• Do They Know It's Christmas? Band Aid
• Do You Hear What I Hear? Whitney Houston
• Don’t Forget to Feed the Reindeer Peggy Lee
• Don't Save It All for Christmas Day Celine Dion
• Feliz Navidad Jose Feliciano
• Frosty the Snowman Jackson 5
• Frosty the Snowman Fiona Apple
• Für Elise Vince Guaraldi Trio
• Gabriel's Message Sting
• Give Love On Christmas Day Jackson 5
• God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen Smokey Robinson & The Miracles
• God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen Barenaked Ladies
• Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer Elmo & Patsy
• Greensleeves Vince Guaraldi Trio
• Happy Xmas (War Is Over) John Lennon & Yoko Ono
• Hark! The Herald Angels Sing Vince Guaraldi Trio
• Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas Judy Garland
• Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas Sarah McLachlan
• Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas Pretenders
• I believe in Father Christmas Greg Lake (Lake, Emerson, Powell)
• I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus Jackson 5
• I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus John Mellencamp
• I want a hippopotamus for Christmas Gail Peavy
• I Want to Come Home for Christmas Marvin Gaye
• I Wish Everyday Could Be Like Christmas Bon Jovi
• I’ll be home for Christmas Pat Boone
• It's Christmas Time Smokey Robinson & The Miracles
• It Came Upon A Midnight Clear Sixpence None the Richer
• (It Must Have Been Ol') Santa Claus Harry Connick Jr.
• Jingle Bell Rock Bobby Helms
• Jingle Bells Diana Krall
• Jingle Bells Smokey Robinson & The Miracles
• Joy to the World The Supremes
• Joy to the World Nat King Cole
• Last Christmas (Single Version) Wham!
• Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow Dean Martin
• Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow (Live) Michael Bublé
• Let it Snow Aaron Neville
• Linus & Lucy Vince Guaraldi Trio
• Little Christmas Tree Michael Jackson
• Little Drummer Boy / Peace On Earth Bing Crosby/David Bowie
• Little Drummer Boy Celtic Women
• Little Saint Nick The Beach Boys
• Love On Layaway Gloria Estefan
• Merry Christmas Baby Lou Rawls
• Merry Christmas Darling (Remix) Carpenters
• Merry Christmas Everyone Shakin' Stevens
• mistletoe and wine Cliff Richard
• My Christmas Tree The Temptations
• My Favorite Things Diana Ross & The Supremes
• My Little Drum Vince Guaraldi Trio
• My Only Wish (This Year) Britney Spears
• O Come All Ye Faithful Luther Vandross
• O Come All Ye Faithful George Strait
• O Little Town of Bethlehem Nat King Cole
• O Tannenbaum Vince Guaraldi Trio
• One Little Christmas Tree Stevie Wonder
• Our Love Is Like a Holiday Michael Bolton
• Pretty Paper Roy Orbison
• River Joni Mitchell
• Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree Brenda Lee
• Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Gene Autry
• Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer The Temptations
• Run Rudolph Run Bryan Adams
• Santa Baby Eartha Kitt
• Santa Baby Madonna
• Santa Looked a Lot Like Daddy Garth Brooks
• Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town Bruce Springsteen
• Santa Claus Is Coming to Town Diana Ross, Jackson 5 & The Supremes
• Silent Night Boyz II Men
• Silent Night Stevie Nicks
• Silent Night The Temptations
• Silent Night Celtic Women
• Silent Night Mahalia Jackson
• Silent Night Sinead O’Connor
• Silver Bells The Supremes
• Skating Vince Guaraldi Trio
• Sleigh Ride Ella Fitzgerald & Frank Devol Orchestra
• Somebody at Christmas Jack Johnson
• Someday At Christmas Stevie Wonder
• Special Gift The Isley Brothers & Ronald Isley
• step into christmas Elton John
• Stuck at the Airport Money Mark
• The Chanukah Song Adam Sandler
• The Christmas Song Vince Guaraldi Trio
• The Christmas Song (Merry Christmas to You) Jackson 5
• The Christmas Song (Merry Christmas to You) Nat "King" Cole
• The Coventry Carol Alison Moyet
• The Happiest Christmas Nat King Cole
• The Holidays Are Here (And We're Still At War) Brett Dennen
• The Little Drummer Boy Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band
• The Little Drummer Boy The Temptations
• The Most Wonderful Time of the Year Andy Williams
• There is No Place Like Home at the Holidays Perry Cuomo
• This Christmas Joe Donny Hathaway
• Twas the Night Before Christmas Aretha Franklin
• Twelve days of christmas The Spinners
• What Child Is This? Vince Guaraldi Trio
• What Child is This? Joan Baez
• What Christmas Means to Me Stevie Wonder
• White Christmas Otis Redding
• White Christmas The Supremes
• White Christmas Mahalia Jackson
• White Christmas (1947 Single Version) Bing Crosby
• Winter Tori Amos
• Winter Wonderland Eurythmics
• Winter Wonderland Nat King Cole
• Wish you a Merry Christmas Tim Davis
• Wonderful Christmastime Paul McCartney
• You Don't Have to Be Alone (On Christmas) N Sync

Also, traditional French carols/songs, I like:

D'un coeur joyeux, chantez!

Il est né le divin Enfant

Petite ville Bethléem

Entre le boeuf et l'âne gris

Joyeux Noël

O viens bientôt Emmanuel!

Minuit Chrétiens!

La marche des Rois

Les anges dans nos campagnes

Sainte nuit

Mon beau sapin

Un flambeau Jeannette Isabelle

Que chacun s'empresse

Noël nouvelet